I Won't Forget You....

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to not remember how to tie your shoes, open a bag of chips or know the names of your great grandchildren? I honestly can say I have and think about it rather often since I have a grandparent that was diagnosed with Alzheimer. Every time I leave their house, I leave in tears knowing that one day I will not even be a memory. He is so much like my daddy that he brings a smile to my face just to see him walk in a room. He has a way with sayings and quick comebacks that I have learned to use and master myself. But as he gets older the come backs are slower and he is always at a loss for words. I often find him sitting quietly at family gatherings watching others interact with a look of fear in his eyes. The fear of not knowing who they are or what to say is happening more often then not. I always find myself gravitating towards him when I notice that look and grab him by the hand and say, “I know, I’m your favorite!”

I often find myself riding by their house and not stopping because I can’t find the courage to witness the struggle he faces. This one day I stopped because my grandmother called and said Ray just wasn’t himself and she wanted me to give my professional assessment of the situation. Knowing she could have said, “Jennifer, can you stop by we would love to see you.” I left my house in a huge hurry that day thinking something was wrong and all that was wrong was, Vi spends too much time in the damn yard and I just want her in the house with me..(Per Ray) I spent that day with him and we ate lunch and talked like he hadn’t seen me in years. I have noticed he is more emotional now than ever before. He tells me, “I love you Jennifer and YOU ARE MY FAVORITE, but don’t tell anyone and just remember I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.” I sat there that day and watched him and my grandmother interact and watched how he would look at her when she spoke with a puzzled look on his face. Then my grandmother would respond,” Ray I just told you that” and he would of course say, “Vi you did no such a thing.” I know that my time with him is very precious because I will one day be that face that he looks at doesn’t remember. I think my dad said it best when he said, “Jennifer, the hardest part is we will lose him twice. We will lose him when he doesn’t know us and then we will lose him physically one day too.” My granddaddy always tells me, “darlin I am fine… I am happy, I don’t hurt and I am with the love of my life. I couldn’t ask for any more.” Can you imagine knowing you will one day not be able to recall a name or face that you helped create or be unable to recall the love of your life’s name? This is something he lives with everyday but does he even know it? Does he even remember that he has Alzheimer’s? He is happy as a lark with no care in the world and he wonders why we (me and Neal) haven’t come by to see him in a month or more when we were just there yesterday. How do you help someone who is happy with no cares? There are times when I leave their house after a visit and call my brother snubbing from crying so hard and mention to him you need to come down more often he will not know who you are or your kids soon. Joseph, always, always without a doubt replies I will, Jennifer, I will.

I feel like I am fighting a battle for him but yet I am stuck in a room with no windows or doors, no one to hear my concerns or to take what I say seriously. I can however, always depend on my mom to listen and act on what I say but my dad on the other hand discards what I say as if I was a child again. So after all my fussing, crying and getting bent all out of whack I stop and think about what my granddaddy has said, “I WONT EVER FORGET YOU.” By me remembering what he has said I stop myself from having an emotional melt down and move on, forgetting that he has this degrading disease, just like him forgetting that he has Alzheimer’s and forgetting that he will one day not know my face, my name, or even that I am his favorite granddaughter.

For that Moment....

I was sitting outside watching the kids and dogs, run, bark and scream. (I think the dogs screamed and the kids barked, but not real sure!) For that one moment all was right with the world. At that very moment I realized that this is where I am supposed to be in my life! 4 kids, a husband, 2 dogs and loads of laundry that never end! Not real sure what clicked or why it clicked but I was happier then I had ever been for that one moment. It is amazing to watch your children grow into young men and little girls. Chase will be 11 next year and I find myself wondering where has the time gone?? I remember being pregnant with him and all the whispering that went along with that situation. To look at my situation now I'm way ahead of the game. I can remember when everyone thought I had made a mistake marrying Lane "the trouble maker" Spence. Now he is Lane "the home maker" Spence. He is home every night, goes to work every day (government employee take that as you will), and loves his children more than life itself. I couldn't have asked for a better "trouble maker" to marry. We have been married 11 years this past September 23 and I can’t imagine spending my time or life with any other man. Yes, he makes me want to throat punch him quite often but, the times I just want to hug him till his eyes pop out, outweigh the throat punches. WE are a team, WE give and take, WE love each other till the end of time, WE are Spence & Co.... Joseph Lane Spence, I love you and you are my world, you’re MY everything!

11 years later , Great Exuma, Bahamas.
They said, "They'll never make it"

Merry Christmas!

Well Christmas is HERE, ready or not!! Starting tomorrow we will hit the ground running to approximately 500 different locations in 2 days. In going to all those different locations we will have 12 boxes of tissues and 4 different antibiotics and 1 bag of halls cough drops ready at all times. We all, except Chase have been sick for the last week. I, myself have managed not to get to terribly ill except for a cough and sore throat. Avery and Hunter on the other hand were very very sick. I finished all my shopping today at 10:00 pm and have yet to wrap a gift. The gifts may be given out in the store bag I purchased them in. All day today I thought in my squirrel mind I have so much to do and will never get it done. But then my groundhog body just sat there on the couch and did nothing all day. Then at night my squirrel mind once again goes nuts and my body just slowly does nothing and I eventually start to think about what I am going to eat for supper. As I sit on the couch watching a movie listening to Lane cough like a goat and Jackson cough, suck his thumb, cough, I wonder does all the gift giving and chaos of christmas matter??? No it doesn't!! What matters is my children are healthy, my husband loves me, my brother and his family will be here on christmas day. That is what matters ( now the kids see this differently)! So Merry Christmas to ALL and enjoy your family time(snot rags and all)!

Baseball or Bust

I know I do a lot of complaining of going to baseball games but I just can't stand it. I have to go!!! We have started a traveling baseball team.. I know, I know, what was I thinking once again. Uh I have no idea. We recently went to Chattanooga, Tennessee and placed 2nd in a World Series tournament. This was so much fun for the kids. The parents on the other hand we were so pooped from overly intense baseball and then a long 4 hour ride back home. I think I wore a hole in the concrete, walking back and forth, back and forth. Then we had the rocker rain man Curt. Sunday, he never left the rocking chair because he thought it would mess up the mojo we had going. Well he was right. Curt promptly got up and went to go buy shirts just as the game was starting and then it was down hill from that point forward. When he returned to the chair which he had sat for almost 5 straight hours we were getting the breaks beat off of us in a bad bad way. I knew at that point we were done. We placed 2nd but our boys played some baseball like you ain't ever seen.. Yes, I said, "ain't"...( Please don't correct my poor English) Just imagine me saying it in person..lol... Hunter cried from the 3rd inning on because he wanted to win so very bad. He said, " we drove all the way to chaganooga and placed 2nd this is a bunch of crap." Of course I responded this is a life lesson son you can't win everything its OK to lose every now and then. Just remember what it feels like and don't let it happen again. At that point I start laughing and I look at him and he is snubbing he is crying so hard and says hush mom this is not funny at all. I try to get myself together but with no hesitation a nealism leaks from my mouth. "Always the bridesmaid and never the bride." Hunter turns around and walks away and kicks the dirt. Lane ask, "what's his problem?" I look at Lane and Hunter once again pipes up and says, " Mom is so ugly sometimes she just cant stop saying things that grandaddy says." How he knew that was one of my fathers nealisms I will never know. So back on the road we go picking up those happy meals and naps in the car. But hey at least Jackson is sleeping in his bed!!

Three kids meal and a valium please!

Baseball is back into full swing. No pun intended. How many days are in a week? 7, you guessed it. We now have baseball practice in 3 different locations with three different children while Avery hangs on for the ride 6 days a week. All this said, means we will be hitting up the closest drive thru 6 days a week and maybe even 7. I still don’t understand the rush to get in 800 practices before the season begins. My husband attempts to explain this to me with such enthusiasm and excitement. The entire time I am watching his mouth move and I am thinking, damn, this is going to screw up my beach vacation, again. I roll my eyes and take a deep breath and just go with the flow. The only reason I go with the flow during baseball season is Hunter my middle would have a meltdown like no human has ever seen. He is so much like his dad when it comes to sports. You tell the boy in order to achieve perfection in the game you have to sleep with the ball and he does it. Chase on the other hand realizes he belongs to a team and puts forth just enough effort to get himself by in the game. I’ll have you know that he is a fantastic athlete he just takes after his mother. Like I said, he does just enough to get by. Then there is Jackson Lane wanting to play “pre-K” baseball (pee-wee). He is very similar to Hunter, adamant that he is a champion like no other 3 year old. He is UN stoppable unless it involves candy then he is gone like the wind. Now, do you all get my drift on the baseball scene? From now until the end of June or July we are either on a practice field or at the ball field. So the next time I roll through the drive thru I am going to ask, “Can I get three kids meals and a valium please, If you have it value sized I’ll take that too!”

He's not old He's VINTAGE!!!

Today was a fantabulous day. Yes, I just made a word up... My father, Joseph Neal Rearden turned 53 today. We all gathered at the Rearden Estate for a family feast. That is being nice. My dad would call this a cluster.

I messaged my mother around 10:30 to ask what time the festivities were going to take place. She immediately replied around 12 but to arrive early. She then again replied with another text which stated, “I have 16 people coming over and your dad is cutting the damn Crepe Myrtles." I knew then that my father wasn't looking forward to the party!!! See for those of you that don't know my dad he is a man of little words, lots of knowledge, doesn't like a crowd (unless beer is involved), and hates to make a big deal out of a birthday. I don’t reply back to the text but scream at my children hurry up we have to leave, it's granddaddy's birthday. We all pile up in the truck like sardines in an over packed can and head a mile down the road. We arrive at the house and my Grandmother and Grandfather Rearden are there along with Joel and his brood. Lane and I take a deep breath look around the truck and tell the children with a stern voice yall please behave. Then all at once all four doors fling open and the kids hit the ground running. They immediately act like wild animals that haven’t seen a meal in a month. Jackson runs up to my dad and tells him, “Happy Birthday Granddaddy, now put me down." He gets on his Jeep and takes off. The other two run in the house to find Mimi and Avery sits helplessly in her carrier waiting to be thrown into millions of arms that she sees once or twice a year. After putting Jackson down my dad turns around and continues to fuel the fire on the grill. The Rearden-Spence activities are now in full swing.

Dad brings in this enormous amount of food for us to eat and we all start pacing back and forth for the food to be placed on the counter. He announces its time to eat and in minutes there we are lined up, 16 of us trying to fix our plates all at once. My grandfather states, “He is waiting for the fat people to eat first." Me and my dad look at each other and start laughing. Moving the story along its time for cake. My dad will not eat a cake that has lard for frosting after watching me and my mother decorate a cake about 5 years ago. My grandmother brought this chocolate pie that is to die for. Me and my dad starting arguing over who's eating the pie and who isn’t eating the pie. While me and good old Neal are bickering he looks at my mom and mumbles, “cut the frickin cake so they can go home." Well he wasn’t that lucky. We now have taken the festivities outside which continues on for about an hour or more.

My dad sits with four out of the six grandchildren and lets each one open his birthday cards. He then wants a picture with them and I am thinking what the hell is wrong with him??? Nothing!! He has finally accepted the fact that they aren't leaving and he might as well enjoy what is going on because he isn't going inside to take a nap. Everyone slowly but surely begins to leave. My grandmother and grandfather are getting ready to go and she asked my dad if he had any round up. My dad looks at her and shakes his head and asks what are you trying to kill. My grandfather is sitting in the chair next to me and he raises his hand very quickly and states, “Vi is trying to kill me." I start laughing to a point in which I can't control. After having four children I really have to watch how excited I get about things because the likely hood of me peeing my pants is great. While laughing to the point of crying my grandfather leans over and ask, “Do you think she (my grandmother) is crazy cause I sure as hell do." Now do you see where my dad gets his crap from?

Everyone is gone and my dad takes a deep breath and states, “I am going to take a nap, thanks I enjoyed it." During all this process of eating, eating, and more eating my dad only has one of his Nealisms to state. Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer you get to the end the faster it goes. I also noticed that he may have gotten a tad bit emotional after we said grace. The older he gets the softer he gets. I know you may have thought this was going to be overly hilarious or emotional but it wasn’t. This was mainly a way I could say, Dad I love you and thank you for loving me unconditionally through all my tough years. I hope we have many more years to celebrate the toilet paper running out. I LOVE YOU!!!

Can I get a bed

I was getting Jackson dressed for bed last night as he was twirling around like a whirling dervish he shouts, "Mommy get off my bed!!!" I ask him why? He replies, "Cause it’s MY BED." As he stands there naked with no clothes on, hand on hip, one foot flipped out tapping it as fast as his little naked self could tap. So I finished getting him dressed and he continues to spin in circles down the hallway to the couch. He eventually falls asleep on the couch and with a huge sigh I think, I can get in my bed with no 3 year old in it with me...YEAH!!! I make my way to my bed and fall asleep rather quickly.

Now it is 2am and I hear a cry running through the kitchen and there he is next to my bed. I pick him up and place him in the bed once again with me. I ask him with the same whine, “Please get off my bed!” Jackson with thumb in mouth and eyes closed says, “No you get off mine and daddy's bed." I roll over and close my eyes and try to go back to sleep. 4am rolls around and here I am with my head arched back trying to reach the pillow, legs hanging off the bed and arms asleep. I try to re-position myself and Jackson with his sleeping thumb voice whimpers, "Momma get out of my bed. I can’t get right." I finally get myself on a small sliver of bed and realize he has peed in my bed. I take a deep breath, get up and take the sheets off the bed. Jackson is now redressed in my bed and I have found myself on the couch once again. The entire time I am thinking, Can I get a bed???