Friday, April 12, 2013

Isn't this little thing amazing! It can make you cry, smile, laugh, scream, love your husband or make you want to throw it at his face, hug your child or shake the crap out of him. It's amazing that this piece of cow hide with laces can bring out the best and the worse, make friends and enemies. It really baffles me that it just about can make you a millionaire or broke. I wrote this post over a year ago after Jackson's t-ball game. 

A year later this still holds true. Why as parents can we not accept that losing will happen? Why as parents can we not accept that our children may not always be the best or on their A game at every game. Why?? Because as parents we tend to live vicariously through our children. I find this to be the case with Lane and Hunter. We want so bad for our children to have more and be more than we were or had. All this being said our children are the ones that suffer. What ever happened to just go play and have fun..Famous words of my father 33 years later.. Wont go there but at the time it wasn't just go have fun. It was be the best and this what you did wrong and this is how you fix the problem. I find myself as a mother doing the same things, I find myself saying the same things my high school coach said to me over and over again. I see the passion that my son has for the game of baseball which brings out the mega bitch in me as his mother to make sure that happens at all cost. Now, I will say not at the cost of belittling another child but in the sense that if I can make it happen or open that door for him or fly him across the country, I will do it.  I love this game that makes men gods in little boys eyes but I don't like the loss that comes with the games either. Not a loss of a game but the loss of friends, sleepless nights, or possible dreams crushed, or the chatter among parents. You can ask anyone that has seen me at Hunter's games I sit in the outfield away from the world in my own world. Why do you ask? So I can talk ugly when my child or your child screws up and no one hears me because I know it's just a game. How do you delicately balance not pushing them to hard but yet instilling hard work and dedication? I know that I have a special young man that is working very hard but do I just let him have fun or do I put him in a position to be challenged. Is there really a field of dreams?? If he just plays at the recreation center or the local little league will they come? Or do I set the stage now to build the platform for them to know his name and his capabilities? Yes he is "just 10" but people he will be "just 15" before we know it. So once again this little round thing covered in cow hide with a single lace stretched across it has caused sleepless nights and tears just for that hope that one day you can make your child's dream come true.....

Monday, April 23, 2012

Fart In A Whirl Wind!

OK so its been a while and a whole lot has happened since my last post. We are running from Kathleen aka KTL to the ATL for baseball, we are taking care of 3 cows, 4 kids, 12 chickens, and 2 dogs.... So now do you get my drift??

 I have had an awesome job opportunity presented to me in the Peachtree City area and I am looking forward to that too. My grandfather Rearden has recently been going down a tough road with his memory, throw all that together with life in general and I feel like a fart in a whirl wind. I am there and then gone, moving at the speed of light on to something else more demanding at the time. Avery is potty trained, insert (hallelujah!!), given her recent fall she has become the queen of everything!!!

Chase will be in middle school next year and Jackson in Kindergarten, Hunter will be in 5th grade and Avery in 3K. Where has the time gone?? Don't blink, the here today, gone tomorrow world we're living in......Don't Blink!!

Would I change a thing?? No, I wouldn't!! This is my life and this is what I have chosen. It could be a whole lot different but I love every chaotic minute of my life, even feeling like a fart in a whirl wind!!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I Won't Forget You....

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to not remember how to tie your shoes, open a bag of chips or know the names of your great grandchildren? I honestly can say I have and think about it rather often since I have a grandparent that was diagnosed with Alzheimer. Every time I leave their house, I leave in tears knowing that one day I will not even be a memory. He is so much like my daddy that he brings a smile to my face just to see him walk in a room. He has a way with sayings and quick comebacks that I have learned to use and master myself. But as he gets older the come backs are slower and he is always at a loss for words. I often find him sitting quietly at family gatherings watching others interact with a look of fear in his eyes. The fear of not knowing who they are or what to say is happening more often then not. I always find myself gravitating towards him when I notice that look and grab him by the hand and say, “I know, I’m your favorite!”

I often find myself riding by their house and not stopping because I can’t find the courage to witness the struggle he faces. This one day I stopped because my grandmother called and said Ray just wasn’t himself and she wanted me to give my professional assessment of the situation. Knowing she could have said, “Jennifer, can you stop by we would love to see you.” I left my house in a huge hurry that day thinking something was wrong and all that was wrong was, Vi spends too much time in the damn yard and I just want her in the house with me..(Per Ray) I spent that day with him and we ate lunch and talked like he hadn’t seen me in years. I have noticed he is more emotional now than ever before. He tells me, “I love you Jennifer and YOU ARE MY FAVORITE, but don’t tell anyone and just remember I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.” I sat there that day and watched him and my grandmother interact and watched how he would look at her when she spoke with a puzzled look on his face. Then my grandmother would respond,” Ray I just told you that” and he would of course say, “Vi you did no such a thing.” I know that my time with him is very precious because I will one day be that face that he looks at doesn’t remember. I think my dad said it best when he said, “Jennifer, the hardest part is we will lose him twice. We will lose him when he doesn’t know us and then we will lose him physically one day too.” My granddaddy always tells me, “darlin I am fine… I am happy, I don’t hurt and I am with the love of my life. I couldn’t ask for any more.” Can you imagine knowing you will one day not be able to recall a name or face that you helped create or be unable to recall the love of your life’s name? This is something he lives with everyday but does he even know it? Does he even remember that he has Alzheimer’s? He is happy as a lark with no care in the world and he wonders why we (me and Neal) haven’t come by to see him in a month or more when we were just there yesterday. How do you help someone who is happy with no cares? There are times when I leave their house after a visit and call my brother snubbing from crying so hard and mention to him you need to come down more often he will not know who you are or your kids soon. Joseph, always, always without a doubt replies I will, Jennifer, I will.

I feel like I am fighting a battle for him but yet I am stuck in a room with no windows or doors, no one to hear my concerns or to take what I say seriously. I can however, always depend on my mom to listen and act on what I say but my dad on the other hand discards what I say as if I was a child again. So after all my fussing, crying and getting bent all out of whack I stop and think about what my granddaddy has said, “I WONT EVER FORGET YOU.” By me remembering what he has said I stop myself from having an emotional melt down and move on, forgetting that he has this degrading disease, just like him forgetting that he has Alzheimer’s and forgetting that he will one day not know my face, my name, or even that I am his favorite granddaughter.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

For that Moment....

I was sitting outside watching the kids and dogs, run, bark and scream. (I think the dogs screamed and the kids barked, but not real sure!) For that one moment all was right with the world. At that very moment I realized that this is where I am supposed to be in my life! 4 kids, a husband, 2 dogs and loads of laundry that never end! Not real sure what clicked or why it clicked but I was happier then I had ever been for that one moment. It is amazing to watch your children grow into young men and little girls. Chase will be 11 next year and I find myself wondering where has the time gone?? I remember being pregnant with him and all the whispering that went along with that situation. To look at my situation now I'm way ahead of the game. I can remember when everyone thought I had made a mistake marrying Lane "the trouble maker" Spence. Now he is Lane "the home maker" Spence. He is home every night, goes to work every day (government employee take that as you will), and loves his children more than life itself. I couldn't have asked for a better "trouble maker" to marry. We have been married 11 years this past September 23 and I can’t imagine spending my time or life with any other man. Yes, he makes me want to throat punch him quite often but, the times I just want to hug him till his eyes pop out, outweigh the throat punches. WE are a team, WE give and take, WE love each other till the end of time, WE are Spence & Co.... Joseph Lane Spence, I love you and you are my world, you’re MY everything!

11 years later , Great Exuma, Bahamas.
They said, "They'll never make it"

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Well Christmas is HERE, ready or not!! Starting tomorrow we will hit the ground running to approximately 500 different locations in 2 days. In going to all those different locations we will have 12 boxes of tissues and 4 different antibiotics and 1 bag of halls cough drops ready at all times. We all, except Chase have been sick for the last week. I, myself have managed not to get to terribly ill except for a cough and sore throat. Avery and Hunter on the other hand were very very sick. I finished all my shopping today at 10:00 pm and have yet to wrap a gift. The gifts may be given out in the store bag I purchased them in. All day today I thought in my squirrel mind I have so much to do and will never get it done. But then my groundhog body just sat there on the couch and did nothing all day. Then at night my squirrel mind once again goes nuts and my body just slowly does nothing and I eventually start to think about what I am going to eat for supper. As I sit on the couch watching a movie listening to Lane cough like a goat and Jackson cough, suck his thumb, cough, I wonder does all the gift giving and chaos of christmas matter??? No it doesn't!! What matters is my children are healthy, my husband loves me, my brother and his family will be here on christmas day. That is what matters ( now the kids see this differently)! So Merry Christmas to ALL and enjoy your family time(snot rags and all)!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Baseball or Bust

I know I do a lot of complaining of going to baseball games but I just can't stand it. I have to go!!! We have started a traveling baseball team.. I know, I know, what was I thinking once again. Uh I have no idea. We recently went to Chattanooga, Tennessee and placed 2nd in a World Series tournament. This was so much fun for the kids. The parents on the other hand we were so pooped from overly intense baseball and then a long 4 hour ride back home. I think I wore a hole in the concrete, walking back and forth, back and forth. Then we had the rocker rain man Curt. Sunday, he never left the rocking chair because he thought it would mess up the mojo we had going. Well he was right. Curt promptly got up and went to go buy shirts just as the game was starting and then it was down hill from that point forward. When he returned to the chair which he had sat for almost 5 straight hours we were getting the breaks beat off of us in a bad bad way. I knew at that point we were done. We placed 2nd but our boys played some baseball like you ain't ever seen.. Yes, I said, "ain't"...( Please don't correct my poor English) Just imagine me saying it in Hunter cried from the 3rd inning on because he wanted to win so very bad. He said, " we drove all the way to chaganooga and placed 2nd this is a bunch of crap." Of course I responded this is a life lesson son you can't win everything its OK to lose every now and then. Just remember what it feels like and don't let it happen again. At that point I start laughing and I look at him and he is snubbing he is crying so hard and says hush mom this is not funny at all. I try to get myself together but with no hesitation a nealism leaks from my mouth. "Always the bridesmaid and never the bride." Hunter turns around and walks away and kicks the dirt. Lane ask, "what's his problem?" I look at Lane and Hunter once again pipes up and says, " Mom is so ugly sometimes she just cant stop saying things that grandaddy says." How he knew that was one of my fathers nealisms I will never know. So back on the road we go picking up those happy meals and naps in the car. But hey at least Jackson is sleeping in his bed!!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Three kids meal and a valium please!

Baseball is back into full swing. No pun intended. How many days are in a week? 7, you guessed it. We now have baseball practice in 3 different locations with three different children while Avery hangs on for the ride 6 days a week. All this said, means we will be hitting up the closest drive thru 6 days a week and maybe even 7. I still don’t understand the rush to get in 800 practices before the season begins. My husband attempts to explain this to me with such enthusiasm and excitement. The entire time I am watching his mouth move and I am thinking, damn, this is going to screw up my beach vacation, again. I roll my eyes and take a deep breath and just go with the flow. The only reason I go with the flow during baseball season is Hunter my middle would have a meltdown like no human has ever seen. He is so much like his dad when it comes to sports. You tell the boy in order to achieve perfection in the game you have to sleep with the ball and he does it. Chase on the other hand realizes he belongs to a team and puts forth just enough effort to get himself by in the game. I’ll have you know that he is a fantastic athlete he just takes after his mother. Like I said, he does just enough to get by. Then there is Jackson Lane wanting to play “pre-K” baseball (pee-wee). He is very similar to Hunter, adamant that he is a champion like no other 3 year old. He is UN stoppable unless it involves candy then he is gone like the wind. Now, do you all get my drift on the baseball scene? From now until the end of June or July we are either on a practice field or at the ball field. So the next time I roll through the drive thru I am going to ask, “Can I get three kids meals and a valium please, If you have it value sized I’ll take that too!”