I Won't Forget You....

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to not remember how to tie your shoes, open a bag of chips or know the names of your great grandchildren? I honestly can say I have and think about it rather often since I have a grandparent that was diagnosed with Alzheimer. Every time I leave their house, I leave in tears knowing that one day I will not even be a memory. He is so much like my daddy that he brings a smile to my face just to see him walk in a room. He has a way with sayings and quick comebacks that I have learned to use and master myself. But as he gets older the come backs are slower and he is always at a loss for words. I often find him sitting quietly at family gatherings watching others interact with a look of fear in his eyes. The fear of not knowing who they are or what to say is happening more often then not. I always find myself gravitating towards him when I notice that look and grab him by the hand and say, “I know, I’m your favorite!”

I often find myself riding by their house and not stopping because I can’t find the courage to witness the struggle he faces. This one day I stopped because my grandmother called and said Ray just wasn’t himself and she wanted me to give my professional assessment of the situation. Knowing she could have said, “Jennifer, can you stop by we would love to see you.” I left my house in a huge hurry that day thinking something was wrong and all that was wrong was, Vi spends too much time in the damn yard and I just want her in the house with me..(Per Ray) I spent that day with him and we ate lunch and talked like he hadn’t seen me in years. I have noticed he is more emotional now than ever before. He tells me, “I love you Jennifer and YOU ARE MY FAVORITE, but don’t tell anyone and just remember I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU.” I sat there that day and watched him and my grandmother interact and watched how he would look at her when she spoke with a puzzled look on his face. Then my grandmother would respond,” Ray I just told you that” and he would of course say, “Vi you did no such a thing.” I know that my time with him is very precious because I will one day be that face that he looks at doesn’t remember. I think my dad said it best when he said, “Jennifer, the hardest part is we will lose him twice. We will lose him when he doesn’t know us and then we will lose him physically one day too.” My granddaddy always tells me, “darlin I am fine… I am happy, I don’t hurt and I am with the love of my life. I couldn’t ask for any more.” Can you imagine knowing you will one day not be able to recall a name or face that you helped create or be unable to recall the love of your life’s name? This is something he lives with everyday but does he even know it? Does he even remember that he has Alzheimer’s? He is happy as a lark with no care in the world and he wonders why we (me and Neal) haven’t come by to see him in a month or more when we were just there yesterday. How do you help someone who is happy with no cares? There are times when I leave their house after a visit and call my brother snubbing from crying so hard and mention to him you need to come down more often he will not know who you are or your kids soon. Joseph, always, always without a doubt replies I will, Jennifer, I will.

I feel like I am fighting a battle for him but yet I am stuck in a room with no windows or doors, no one to hear my concerns or to take what I say seriously. I can however, always depend on my mom to listen and act on what I say but my dad on the other hand discards what I say as if I was a child again. So after all my fussing, crying and getting bent all out of whack I stop and think about what my granddaddy has said, “I WONT EVER FORGET YOU.” By me remembering what he has said I stop myself from having an emotional melt down and move on, forgetting that he has this degrading disease, just like him forgetting that he has Alzheimer’s and forgetting that he will one day not know my face, my name, or even that I am his favorite granddaughter.